Friday, September 6, 2013

Y'Know What I Hate? The Coalition

Why am I voting for the ALP?

Because Kevin Rudd don't take no shit. 
"Get me fired?
Fine bitch, i'mma crawl back to the top of this pile and take you out. Just you watch.."
He didn't give up, and Gillard is now retiring. Weak.

That takes balls, especially on a world stage, and after the last 3 years she's successfully proved that what our leader actually needs is physical balls, and with Tony Abbott's trunks in such tightly strung disorder and disarray we can't even be sure on his sperm count thus rendering his balls useless.

So there it it, I'm voting Labor because I am a sexist pig and I wanted an excuse to talk about Prime Ministerial balls but.. Furthermore.

I'm against gay marriage, but not for the reason everyone else may be. I believe all marriage is ridiculous. You love someone and want to spend your life with them, then do it! You shouldn't have to have a piece of paper to prove your love too each other. We claim this paper protects a couples rights, but it doesn't. It protects a hypothetical future fiscal interest in to someone else's estate at the time you separate, and a person on that wavelength is not someone you want to be married too. 

So I oppose heterosexual marriage as an archaic institution, but on a basic human equality level mixed with the fact that no one is going to go along with my grandiose theory, then yes, gay marriage should be made legal, so that gay men and women have the right to steal from their exes just as much as us straight people do.

I have been a long time fan of pornography and general downloads (but mainly pornography) and the Coalition's broadband network will destroy my rhythm entirely by not servicing me with decent enough data speeds to comfortably reach climax.

The ALP believe a woman's body is her own choice and have and will continue to make steps for abortion options for young women. Although I said before that I am sexist, what I specifically mean is that I don't like being told what to do and what to think by a woman I don't know, yes that IS sexism as I can accept it easier from a man. A fault in my character? Indeed, but I can address it and admit to it.
But a woman should not be told what to do at any point with her body by the state. 
Not only as Abbott an opponent of abortion he is an opponent of stem cell research and this negating the life saving abilities to study and potentially cure diseases that claim so many lives needlessly every day.

Debt? We're fucked either way. But Kevin gave us all a couple hundred bucks about 4 years back so I guess we can repay a bit extra in to taxes to help the brother that admit to white Australia's history of racial vilification for 200 odd years, right? The last Liberal PM didn't seem too stoked on expression that kind of openness to the world.

Is it not time that Australia release itself from these monarchy and develop its own identity? Whether you agree or not, wouldn't you like the opportunity to out it to referendum again? Wouldn't it be great to see if we too could truly prosper like the US did for so long (until China took over the world of course)? No hope of that as TA is a devoted supporter of the constitutional monarchy.

The most important thing to know is that Tony is a former seminarian and that his outdated Revelations-esque pseudo intellectual rhetoric is not something we need in this countries highest seat. Kevin Rudd is also a Christian, yes this I admit but he doesn't ride it like Reverend George Bush II in to the fray. Separation of Church and State my friends.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Y'Know What I Hate? The Occupy Movement.

Y'know What I Hate? The Occupy Movement.

I'm sorry, but I love consumerism. I love buying things I don't need. Shit. I love buying things I don't want or even like because I know someone else does and for whatever reason befalling them - they can't have it.. And the more I spend on it, the more validated I feel at he end of the day.

I constantly have people telling me that I don't need these things.
You really know me, huh? You know what's best for me?
You can tell me more about me than I can?

If material objects help someone feel better about themselves, is that not in turn then a good thing? Would you not rather spend $10,000 a year and have 100 new pairs of Nikes than have liver damage from the 250gm a day diet of Xanax that it takes you to refrain from leaping off a bridge otherwise?
People tell you to save your money to buy property. Invest in your future!
Property right now is a total buyers market at this point where as a pair of Jordan's will just gain value as more and more Dogs get to them and spiteful ex-girlfriends give them to the Salvation Army. Hence diminishing the supply and increasing the demand.
Consumerism boosts the economy. Sure. It's the Chinese and Mexican economies for the most part but white people have had their turn. Share the jobs around a little bit.

Brand identity really helps you define what kind of person you are. Is this me stereotyping you?
No. It's not something I'm deciding about you based on your weight, race, gender or age. Something you can't change.
It's something you have decided to identify yourself with. A sect. A subculture.
I have tattoos on my knuckles which always makes gaining employment an issue as people tend to believe that by virtue of said tattoos, I am in fact unemployable because tattoos are seem as taboo. The people that have them are dangerous, untrustworthy and scary.
This was something I was well aware of at the time I got them done, and I don't regret them for a minute. It was something I put myself in the line of fire for because I felt the juice was worth the squeeze and wanted to make a statement. Because people know that I'm not a criminal just because I have tattoos (I've been a criminal since I was about 4 and I have the Magic the Gathering trading cards to prove it).

I'm writing this on an iPad that I have no discernible reason to have purchased other than that I wanted it at the time. I have iPods an iPhone and a laptop already. Why did I get this object? Who fucking cares? Do I like it? Yes. Do I feel better? Yes. Is it practical? Irrelevant.

I constantly hear the argument that I wouldn't want these things because I've been conditioned to want flashy items by the mass media with its all encompassing ploy to zombify the populace with blah blah blah...

Ok. Brass tacks. No matter how left of centre your thought process or political leanings may be, you want to fuck, right? That's one thing all people- gay, straight or priest have in common. We just all want to do it differently.
Taking this in to account how ever, do you not feel like this overwhelming desire to procreate is based around conditioning by the same mass media that told me that these Levi's are better than the brand that has less marketing appeal or stretch?

"NO IAIN! WE WANT TO PROCREATE BECAUSE IT'S EVOLUTION. IT'S NATURAL! IT'S HOW WE GOT HERE!"

Really? A bunch of people did it, some others saw them do it so they then did it, some more then joined in in the bandwagon because they saw the others enjoyed it and felt fulfilled, then a whole lot of people had heard some good reviews, so they tried it and by this point everyone else was doing it and the ones that weren't were embarrassed so they started in on it too..

That to me sounds like that they've been conditioned to feel like they need to do it after years of cinema exposure, billboards, music and peer pressure. That this is what is best for them. Not unlike this BAPE tee of mine.

Other people will say they want to have sex because it feels good.. What is good?
We as a global community of human beings define what is good ourselves.
I personally think Jackson Pollock's work looks like an ADHD kid and Michael J Fox were hung upside with several cans of paint above a canvas, but that's just me. Other people think they are pieces of art that belong in the Louvre.

People blame this conditioning on a mysterious underground organisation that control us all and direct our lives like billionaire puppet masters. First thing people, take some responsibility for yourself. I finally did and I've felt better about other people's perception of me than I have in years.
If you're not part of the small percentage of people that are making billions per year as a CEO at a Fortune 500 company, instead of sitting around accusing these people of creating unemployment, pack away the bong and do something to get to there playing field instead of sitting in the middle of the road and fucking up the public transport for the rest of us that are trying to do just that. Fuck.

This perpetual paranoia is detrimental to people's well being. 
There is no Illuminati. If this people existed, why are they doing this? If we live in a truly totalitarian society they already have 99% of the worlds wealth, the make 99% of the shit we buy with our money and the own 99% of the shops that sell them and 100% of the banks that lend to the business and media outlets that advertise to us. 
They can do whatever they want. Money is no object at this point to these people.
I mean, they print the fucking money!!
Why not tell us we're their bitch? Wouldn't that be the end game? The only possible win they can get out of all of it. Ego boost and status superiority.
What benefit is there to this society being secretive?
And since when is wearing platinum and diamond jewellery, decked out in Louis Vuitton and cruising around in a Maybach intuitive of a covert organisation?
That's akin to a Cold War KGB operative trying to sneak in to the Pentagon in a bright red "I love Mother Russia" t-shirt.
I say it's the homeless you have to watch out for, they're the ones playing it coy.
Matter of fact the vast majority of the occupy movement are dressed like the homeless.
Almost like an extreme version of Undercover Boss's!
SHIT! THEY'RE HERE!

I've spent my whole life blaming others or my circumstance for my actions and its taken a long time to accept that and see the error in that and to see the world doing it now makes me terrified for the future of this planet.

Take control of your own destiny. The Illuminati is just a 21st century version of the devil. At this point the overwhelming majority of the world has wizened up to the fact that religion and god is a joke and now that Satan and God and his mysterious ways are no longer in play we need a new scapegoat to blame our misfortune or "bad karma" on. The Rockerfellers, Rupert Murdoch or Jay Z.

We are all shallow, egotistical and judgemental creatures. I just may be one of the only ones to admit. To outright tell you to your face that I don't give a fuck how you feel and that I legitimately thinking I'm better than you are.
Does this make me a bad person? Maybe. I don't think so though.
You know where you stand with people who take this approach.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Y'Know What I Hate? The Internet


Two thousand years of progress and the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement online is a website with photos of Paris Hilton looking like she was beaten by a former boyfriend. I am not an intellectual by any stretch of the imagination, but what is stunning to me is the amount of garbage there is floating around on the Internet.

On any given day you are bombarded with ads for penis enlargement, hit with spyware, and receive messages from some person in Africa claiming to be a prince that wants to share his fortune with you. I recently saw an advertisement from a company telling me to click on the banner to remove advertisements on my computer. My response and yours should always the same to this bombardment of substandard waste. Run Lavasoft's Ad-Aware when finished surfing the net, try your best to shield your eyes from the ads, tell the guy from Liberia his check is in the mail, and if necessary ask the good people at the “Rhino Penis Company” how much they want.

The sites I go to, when I am done with that cavalcade of gallstone-inducing madness that is my email account, are the news sites. I get my news, maybe a few cheap laughs, and then I sign off. Not as exciting as, say, putting a stick of dynamite down my throat and trying to put out the fuse before it blows, but this kills time and keeps me sharp. I never know when someone is going to regurgitate what he or she saw on the news and misinterpret it to make a point in an argument. You should never believe everything you read, and you should not form an opinion on something without all the facts. Just because The Age makes things up does not mean you should either.


Every website out there looks exactly the same. Almost all of the sites that I have had a chance to check out were either a cheap knock off of a popular site, or the site amounted to another Norman Rockwell who took their PHP mastery or some such nonsense, gave it a sleek "look at me I'm a nerd" design, and piled on everything they thought they could that would get people to go to their site.

Now you have blogs popping up everywhere like a foot rash. I loathe blogs because most of the time it is some unqualified, blithering, teenager yapping endlessly about what they think about Julia Gillard or waxing philosophical on such intellectual matters as whether to scratch their behind with the left or right hand. And then of course you have the blogs that just focus on celebrities and offer snarky comments that a 3-year-old chimp named Ooka could top. And yes, I am all too aware that I sit comfortably in this category.

The media needs to stop their love affair with blogs and “citizen journalists.” There is too much danger in this flash journalism style that people will be harmed.

It seems to me we have been on a downward spiral in terms of what we expect for entertainment and the Internet reflects our low standards. So I say go to your usual sites, stay informed so you don’t turn into a blithering blogger, and for the love of everything holy run some kind of spyware protection when you are done.





Friday, February 1, 2013

Y'Know What I Hate? Pink Floyd

To me listening to Pink Floyd is like being forced to ingest Thorazine capsules in a dark depressing room with a TV set put on its' side showing a test pattern and then being suddenly told in a deep condescending voice that your parents have just been killed in a car crash. Then someone else tells you that everything is still OK though, in the ever-existing-time-space-cosmos or some such pseudo-intellectual wankery..
 

I’ve asked people to explain to me why it is that Pink Floyd is so great, and I always get a response along the lines of “If you have to ask, you’ll never understand” or some such arrogant arts student type response.

In other words, they don’t fucking know either.

I can tell you why Motorhead and Iron Maiden are the greatest bands of the early heavy music era, or why the Ramones and the Stooges did more to change the face of punk rock than any of that 77 UK shit or why Hip Hop wouldn’t be where it is today without Public Enemy and Wu-Tang Clan. But when I want to know what Pink Floyd gave me, I get looked at like I’ve just raped someone’s bed ridden King Charles Cavalier puppy.

Any of the things that get all too often attributed to the Pink Floyd name I can see elsewhere beforehand in bands like the Beach Boys and the Beatles and at the same time with the Doors.

Also in an interview ‘The Edge’ from U2 stated that he bought his first delay pedal after hearing the opening guitar chords to “Dogs” from the Animals record.. That alone is an offence worthy of some serious hard time.
 

Look, everybody will tell you they appreciate the genius of Pink Floyd. You probably went through a "Big Pink Floyd Phase" at some point in your life. Yeah this "phase" is known as your first year studying Graphic Design at University when you ate mushrooms once a week.

If you don’t take hallucinogens you should not be listening to Pink Floyd. Simple.

Their music serves no purpose other than to serve as the soundtrack to your group tripping experience in a dark room. If you're on psychadelic drugs you obviously aren't going to want listen to say, heavy metal or anything particularly rocking. After all you are mentally unstable and might react by taking off all your clothes and running down the street screaming bloody murder after think your girlfriend was a werewolf mid coitus. You also don't want to listen to anything laid back with complex lyrics like say some Bob Dylan, because words don't actually make any sense to you in your current state. So you go with Pink Floyd as completely neutral background music that will not upset the balance of your night of mind expansion.
 

Have you ever listened to Pink Floyd in a completely sober mind state? Like say cruising around in your car on a Friday afternoon jamming out to the classic rock station? Their music truly is shit. I hate when I'm listening to a solid block of classic rock, and I hear that "CHA-CHING!" cash register noise. Then “You fucking cock juggling thunder cunts! I was just in a solid groove after some Creedence and Skynyrd and then you have to put Pink Floyd's "Money"  on”. I hate that fucking song along with pretty much every Pink Floyd single that comes on the radio. Yeah, the idea of rebelling against the establishment and protesting your educational experience was kind of unique in the early 1950’s, but by the time “The Wall” had come out, Elvis Presley had well and truly knocked down those walls with his unstoppable pelvis, and even if it was something interesting to hear again, I definitely do not need to randomly hear a bunch of creepy British kids singing a hook about it on repeat.
 

"Wish You Were Here" is one of the weirdest sounding love songs ever written. Pretty much the only tolerable Pink Floyd single is "Comfortably Numb." This song however, is infinitely better when sang by Van Morrison rather than by the members of Pink Floyd, so they lose points for that.

Of course people will argue that Pink Floyd is not a band that should not be judged by their individual singles. "You gotta get like the whole album experience maaaaan."
 

Yeah well I've listened to both Pink Floyd masterpieces "The Wall" and "Dark Side of the Moon" all the way through and they are both complete excrement.

First of all there are very few rock albums that I am willing to listen to all the way through, and generally they all serve some sort of purpose that involves fun. You can leave the album on for an entire party, or a BBQ, or a road trip, or a drunk drive home.

If you are listening to a Pink Floyd album, you are only enjoying yourself if you are tripping in a dark room watching a light show. You can't throw on Dark Side of the Moon at an Australia Day party and enjoy yourself. Pink Floyd's songs are all extended dark, gloomy jams that continuously "build" without ever reaching much of a climax. Roger Waters whispers song lyrics in a creepy voice that sounds like the demonised version of Michael Jackson from those court tapes is lurking in your closet. Pink Floyd is basically the soundtrack to you looking up at the sky and realizing the apocalypse is coming as the dark clouds gather and lightning flashes. So.. just what you need to get the party going..
 

Syd Barrett – The Genius. The God.

Man, what the fuck? Are you for real? What did he even do for the band?

The dude did one and a half records with the band and his work was hardly iconic.

It reminds me of things you'd hear on a Weird Al Yankovich record.. Sure, Syd was a strong influence but, saying that the band wouldn’t sound how they did without him is like saying Dio formulated the sound for Black Sabbath or Sammy Hagar for Van Halen.

In the end he couldn’t handle the drugs and turned out to be a psychopath that shaved his eyebrows off and hid in a cabin for almost 40 years until he cashed out.

Every time an artist dies young (which for all intents and purposes, Syd Barrett died in 1970) there's always the people "It's so sad, he had so much more to give."

 How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know?

He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the celebrity dream, and when you're done with that you go.. "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. — It's bullshit, I'm still empty." How do you know what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing  duets with Meatloaf at the AFL Grand Final right now?


Anyways, Pink Floyd were one of the first bands to… I don't know… lock themselves in a studio with a year's supply of LSD and experiment with weird production effects (Oh shit, Brian Wilson did that first? Fuck!). So they will always be considered "revolutionary" in some manner.

After all, if you are the first band to do anything weird you are always looked at as an "innovator" even if your fresh, revolutionary sound is worse than a Jamie Kennedy punchline. Let’s just admit however, that nobody is ever in the mood to randomly rock out to a Pink Floyd song. Nobody has the patience to sit and listen to an entire boring and gloomy Pink Floyd concept album. If you do actually "enjoy" Pink Floyd for extended periods of time, it's time for you to stop spending your Tuesday night dropping acid in your mothers basement while staring at a lava lamp and get a fucking job already and stop sitting there talking at me about Led Zeppelin, the Grateful Dead, Yes or Phish because my violent opinion won’t be all I give you next time.
 
01/02/13
 
<Also, I'm aware that people aren't stupid and will pick up on the "Maybe he was out of shit" being a reappropriated Doug Stanhope bit>

Monday, January 28, 2013

Y'Know What I Hate? Quentin Tarantino.

There, I said it. I don’t like Tarantino films and I think he is an untalented hack. Now, clearly I’m in the visible minority whilst swimming in a sea of Tarantino dick riders.
Firstly, I’m not saying I’m any better than the man. But I’m not necessarily saying I’m not either, nor am I not saying that a wet rag couldn’t write a Tarantino script after watching a few Spaghetti Western flicks with Shaft while eating Sashimi.
I’m merely commenting on how bad of a filmmaker Quentin Tarantino is; rather than continuing to keep this information bottled up for fear of being ostracized by 90% of people in this world. Look, there are things I appreciate about the man. I do applaud some of his early writing. ‘True Romance’, which he wrote, is one of my favourite films. But that’s neither here nor there.
I don't understand how so many people consider him a "visionary" or "genius". To me Tarantino is like a mildly amusing cover band that’s being heralded as the great new saviour of rock n roll, not to mention that he spends entirely too much time trying to make his movies cool, stylistic and hip, which dates them almost instantly.
If you consider making movies that are essentially homages to earlier movies as being genius, then I guess he is, but to me that’s being a thief and this is a huge gripe of mine as a filmgoer, writer and art enthusiast.
Tarantino has stolen dialog from Karate Kiba, The Killers, Band of Outsiders, Lady Snowblood, and he straight up has taken shot-for-shot “inspiration” from The Graduate and Branded to Kill. When the list of films you’ve “sampled” is longer than your resume, you’re doing it wrong.
He stole the theme music from ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’. The cunt straight up ripped it off.
Now it’s one thing if Tarantino himself loves ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’ and wants to preserve Ennio Morricone’s beautiful compositions but it’s another when you take music, from other classic films, and slap it on your film for use as your own. People are supposed to think to themselves and say, ‘Oh I love that finale song in ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’ not ’Oh yeah…..that’s the song from ‘Kill Bill’.It’s awesome’.
You do not simply take another films theme song, no matter how old the film is.
That’d be like a filmmaker saying, ‘Hey the music to ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’ is in the public domain now….I’m too lazy to find a great new composer for my film, so I’m just going to use that music in my film. It’ll be great!!’.
It’s theft, plain and simple. A movie has many elements; a script, actors, a director with a vision, producers, a composer etc and what do most average movie goers remember besides the story and the actors? The music!
Music can make or break a movie. Part of being a filmmaker is realizing that you’re creating something original, not hacking apart other films and pasting them together to make ‘your film’.
Tarantino has even said of film composers, ‘I just don’t like the idea of giving that much power to anybody on one of my movies’.
So dickhead, it’s ok for other filmmakers to collaborate with composers, like normal professionals do, and to trust them and give those composers control over the soundtrack? And when it’s done well, for instance with films Ennio Morricone composed, you can then steal their hard work which was meant for another film, because why… you’re ‘special’!?
Special you indeed are, but I’ve never been one for political correctness so..
Retarded. Mental. Mong. Mental Midget. Spastic.. these seem somehow more fitting. With that box shaped head of yours and that weather report lisp.
Which brings me to my next point, HE’S THE WORST ACTOR. He doesn’t speak clearly. He’s too energetic and outrageously distasteful. Just look at him in ‘Sleep With Me’ or ‘Desperado’.
He’s just a nettlesome cunt who likes to hear himself speak. Just try and get through that 4 ½ minute interview, you know, the one where he is wearing a kimono, using a crappy fake Italian accent and talking about zombie movies and music. It’s harder to watch than the video of that chick chowing down on her tampon. It feels like its 3 fucking hours long.
This is why he writes asinine dialogue that is painful to listen to and it seems a lot of the time to go absolutely nowhere, and this is coming from someone whose favourite sitcom is Seinfeld and one of my favourite screenwriters is Kevin Smith. The conversations are dragged out too long, and they rarely add depth to a character or progress the storyline further. I do dig movies with quite some time in between cuts.
But not when it's 5 minutes of dialogue about milk in a movie about Nazis.
People will argue tooth and nail that his dialogue helps build character development, how each line (especially Mr. Pink's speech in Reservoir Dogs) attributes to the overall story because of the fate of each character; how about Mr. Brown's 'Like a Virgin' speech? How does this relate to his death?
When do we ever hear his voice again? Maybe one or two lines over the course of the next hour and a half. Yet his rant takes up about three or four minutes of the opening of the film, probably slightly longer than Pink's speech.
Or how about when Nice Guy Eddie picks up Orange at his apartment? What does that have to do with anything?
Lady E and Christie Love? This deals with the story in no way.
And fans will probably say 'Well, their immaturity and lack of focus on the job illustrates their fates'. (Though that would contradict your argument on Pink's realist and professional way of thinking.)
Most likely, Tarantino included that dialogue for none other purpose except to entertain. It was thrown in because Tarantino loves popular culture and enjoys embracing his encyclopaedic knowledge of film.
Some people view his early work as 'the cool of cinema'. Because it looks and sounds really cool.
In my opinion, if Pink mentioned an interesting past job that went awry (much like White had said but with more spice and depth) this would have been more interesting and possibly more stimulating and many would better understand his mentality in the warehouse.
A simple rule of thumb people, if someone comes across as pompous, arrogant and obnoxious on video, how do you think they’ll be in real life? And more importantly for a filmmaker, what do you think their films will be like..?
I mean, I've always been a fan of Grindhouse Cinema and Blaxploitation Flicks, the types of films he pays homage too. I can see why people let him get away with his shit though.
Because no one watches original movies anymore, they watch factory bred, studio funded monotonous bullshit. Whatever movie has Johnny Depp in it this month, or which film has the coolest looking poster plastered to the side of the bus this week. But if you bothered to skim the surface just a little bit you’d see that Quentin Tarantino is doing to Sonny Chiba what NWA did to Ice T and Schoolly D.
Example being Reservoir Dogs, the film most Tarantino fans use in his defence. When I saw ‘City on Fire’ with Chow Yun Fat, not knowing anything about the film beforehand, and I got a little bit raw about the blatant theft of Tarantino’s work. So I did a little reading in to, turns out five years prior to Reservoir Dogs this flick had came out, a Hong Kong action movie that had the exact same premise, the exact same fight scenes and was complete with one "undercover cop" in a Mexican Standoff ending. On top of that the cop torture scene is a rip off of another movie titled ‘The Big Combo’. So essentially this movie was a hacked up version and straight up jack of other films.
When Tarantino is approached about his consistent theft, he claims that he doesn’t rip movies off, and that they are in fact ”a homage” to the original. Wow, that’s a pretty cheap copout.
“Oh no sir I didn’t counterfeit this money, it’s an homage to real cash”. Wanker.
He’s much like Michael Bay, purely style over substance, and look, it was cool when ‘Pulp Fiction’ came out. The world was ready for something quirky and different. That style exploded and everyone tried to copy it. But go back and watch the film now though.
Just like all his other films, it is the ultimate steroid pumping latent homosexuality film.
Lots of sex, violence and witty pop culture references that I never know whether they are inserted in there to try and show his superior film knowledge or whether it is to taunt the people watching his films who have actually scene the flicks that he is terrorizing and getting away with .
There are no real complex ideas or concepts, Just high adrenaline, high tension action movies.
It’s all boring. It was just a fad. There’s a reason why I only liked ‘Pulp Fiction’ when I was 16 and not when I was 20 or now almost 25. It’s a childish, funky, single use film for the ignorant adolescent.
After that, it’s drab, repetitive and stale. In my opinion it just doesn’t hold up or stand the test of time. It’s like ‘American Pie’ for grungy, wanna-be violent kids with a lot of pent up anger.
As are all of his films.
First of all Pulp Fiction was heralded as some breakthrough in cinema because, SHOCK HORROR, it was edited out of order. Tarantino did that with Reservoir Dogs already and he’s not anywhere near the first to attempt it. So cross that off your list of shit he invented.
I’ve also left out how clunky, stupid and unnecessary Bruce Willis’s whole part was, it literally stops the film dead in its tracks.

The only thing QT’s movies do for me is make me want to watch some real independent cinema.
Which thanks to him, barely even exists anymore.
With the arrival of Pulp Fiction, Independent Film went from the melting pot of new ideas to a style, a way of doing things that made them“independent”. For years after Pulp Fiction we had to deal with pop culture snappy dialog films featuring a car, a gun, bad guys being funny and shootouts. It was also the start of high profile celebrities wanting to cement their“street cred” by being in these lame movies.

Instead of Tarantino renouncing this as any true fan of underground culture would he embraced his new “Coolest Guy We Know” status with famous people.
Tarantino also managed to kill off Samuel L. Jackson the actor and replaced him with ‘Jules’ the character from Pulp Fiction. Jackson has been phoning in some variation of that part in all the films he’s done since then.
Only one character in all his films (the bondsman in Jackie Brown) is actually deep. Out of 8 films he's only managed to create one character that the audience can really identify with. All of his other characters are just "cool" characters. Think of all the famous Tarantino characters. They're all very one dimensional “bad arses”. Vincent Vega is a case in point, all he seems to need is Cheeseburgers, Pussy and Elvis..
Now I can’t front this as something to want in life, I feel the same. But I don’t need to pay money to watch some Scientologist millionaire pretend to have my problems.
‘Inglorious Basterds’ was and always will be a complete joke. Bastardize, ‘Inglorious Basterds’. Very funny, but no.
It is not historical. Even if I was looking at the un-historical, hokey comic book style he went for, it’s still a joke and I’m laughing at the fraud, not with him.
If I were Jewish, I’d be offended. If I were a Nazi, I’d be offended. If I were Brad Pitt, I’d be offended. This film is a complete waste of time. The only saving grace is that the world was introduced to the mind blowing abilities of the Austrian genius, Christoph Waltz.
Mr. Waltz deservedly won the Oscar for his performance. But do you really think Quentin Tarantino was directing him heavily? Especially when he acted fluently in French and German..
An actor that good needs to merely be encouraged not directed. So, with criticizing Tarantino, I give him that minute bit of credit for giving Christoph Waltz an opportunity to shine, much like writing a part so perfect for James Gandolfini to fill all those years ago in True Romance.
Quentin Tarantino is always a bad choice. At the end of the day, he’s a loaded, commercially viable, familiar face for movie director who is backed by The Weinstein Machine.
Whether or not he produces flops, he will probably have opportunities to make more films until the day he dies. If you measure that as success over a person’s integrity, attitude and talent.. Well then, I guess your brain is wired to like utter shit and you will continue to make bad choices.
I give credit to Tarantino’s writing of ‘True Romance’ again (Which even then is widely questioned how much writing he did in contrast to Roger Avery). But other than that, No thanks.
One last thing before I go, ‘Django Unchained’ (2012). Let me spoil it for you.
It’s homicidal. People have repetitious, meandering conversations with an overabundance of words like ‘Nigger’ and ‘Fuck’ for no good reason. There is some Ennio Morriconne tunes lifted from another movie. There is some funky music from the 70′s along with jagged editing and Samuel L. Jackson is in it.
I know all of this to be true. And I’ve seen no more than 10 minutes of the cunt.
This is why films like Citizen Kane, the first 2 Godfather's and Casablanca will be considered great films while Tarantino's will only be on the "best movies of all time" list for some want to be film student or gangster.
Until next time, eat a dick.
28/01/2013
 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Y'Know What I Hate? Michael Bay

So, I finally gave in and watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and much to my lack of surprise Michael Bay has stayed on course for his regular formula with another loud as fuck, spastically shot, CGI laden flick.
It was then that I fully realised that Michael Bay films are the physical embodiment of style over substance, cleavage over character and explosions over emotions.

Do Michael Bay films provoke thought with in an action format like Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy?

No.

Are the Transformers films a painfully long explosion wank fest with an incomprehensible plot?

No doubt.

Bay's films seem to follow a very similar plot. The characters blow shit up, they run from explosions, they look up at things and they look up at things exploding.
Alas, 120 minutes of shit exploding a movie does not make (but fuck me, he's tried).
So his characters tend to spend a lot of time negotiating, whether it's for a used car, access to classified military base or for the fate of the universe. And let's face it, negotiations are pretty much the verbal equivalent of an explosion.

Cinema goers these days are so easily entertained that directors like Jim Jarmusch, one of the most inventive film makers of all time still struggle to get together money to fund their films, and people like Michael Bay throw around millions to remake (aka ruin) my favourite horror movies (Friday the 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Nightmare On Elm Street) on an annual basis via his production company Platinum Dunes.
But, I'm not going to harp on that too long as I think I've covered that ground fairly extensively already.

Bay currently has an approval rating on IMDB Pro of 65%, whereas legendary and iconic filmmakers like Stephen Spielberg (ET, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Schindler's List), Orson Welles (Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, Touch of Evil), Stanley Kubrick (2001: A Space Odyssey, The Shining, A Clockwork Orange), Martin Scorcese ( Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Raging Bull) and Francis Ford Coppola ( The Godfather Part I and II, Apocalypse Now) only sit between 71-76%.
Now, IMDB is far from a faultless resource for all things culturally significant, but it does help form a picture of what the fuck is happening to the movie industry.

IMDB approval ratings are calculated between dollars made, critical reviews and people who like the movie enough to rate it on the site, which is from where the main issue with these percentages are born.
But it's safe to say the $1 billion box office grosser that is Transformers: Dark of the Moon makes a big part of that 65% when it only holds a 20% average on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes.
It's also safe to say that the $160,000 Citizen Kane (1941) lost from it's $830,000 budget in it's innitial run is a big part of Orson Welle's 76%.
Even though the film has an approval rating of 87% and is generally considered "the greatest film of all time" the writer, director and star of the film is a mere 11% ahead of the director of, ahem... Pearl Harbour.

How much press did you catch on  Broken Flowers? A shit load less than the amount of Transformers Happy Meals you had. Because action movie tie-in's work for fat fucks because it tells them that it's okay to shovel that shit in your face 24/7 because Shia Lebouf does and he's saved the universe three times already, and no one wants to look like Bill Murray, so a brilliant movie goes nowhere when it comes to public awareness.

This disease plaguing Hollywood cinema by virtue of people like Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing, Deep Rising), Roland Emmerich (10,000 B.C., Godzilla) and of course, Michael Bay is now seemingly spreading to those who I thought I would always be able to turn to in times of need like Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez and Kevin Smith.
The Grindhouse Series (Planet Terror, Death Proof, Machete, Hellride) while amusing for what they were, are mindless, soulless and a lack the imagination and innovation that films like El Mariachi and Reservoir Dogs had in abundance, and Kevin Smith? Kevin Smith, who is one of my personal top 5 favourite film makers of all.time (Yeah, I said it. I hate everything and everyone hates Kevin Smith, so I should join in, right? NO! Wrong, I hate the ignorant as fuck Kevin Smith haters) produced a film that by all means should've worked. Bruce Willis and  Tracey Morgan in a throwback buddy-cop film that's soaked in dick jokes and the soundtrack selections to become the Beverley Hills Cop of it's generation.
Yet, it sucked! The editing was sloppy, the writing was stale and the pacing was slower than a Downe Syndrome suffering inbred redneck with a concussion.

All of these films feature intensely over the top action scenes, little to no character development and just enough of an A+ track record from the creators to make me want to see them. Similar to how Sean Connery lead me to witness my first Michael Bay abortion (The Rock) many moons ago.

The saddest thing is I can't really blame these dudes for their recent mediocrity (in Kevin Smith's defense I did dig Red State), I can't even blame Michael Bay for setting the bar so low for actual storytelling and originality. I guess the only people I have to blame for this is every single one of you. Cunts like you that pay to see Transformers at the cinema, buy Bad Boys 2 on Blu-Ray and DVD and download Armageddon on Netflix.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Y'Know What I Hate? Cab Drivers


The cab shortage is really showing

Between the inane conversation I am forced to have with these individuals, and the fact that i'm treated as if i'm asking for his firstborn when I tell this cunt to hang up on his 10-way conference call with his cousin, who funnily enough is also named Mohammed, is also a cab driver, also at work but is in Mumbai, so he has to yell so they can hear each other over the traffic, the Bollywood music and the chickens.

And of course all this happens only if you can get one of the fuckers to stop for you! This friday just gone I spent the better part of 2 hours trying to get a cab out of the city. What the fuck!? Honestly! these fuckers are driving around with their "available" lights off when they have no passengers so that they can't get in shit for breach of the transport code which specifically states...

"Once hailed, a driver cannot refuse a fare that is too short or inconvenient. Drivers may indicate at the end of a shift that they will only accept fares to destinations which are on the way to the taxi-cab's home base. The driver will display a sign that indicates the relevant destination."

..but with their lights OFF, they can just pull over for the fares where there 2 dozen wasted blonde chicks who might be willing to eat their fare.


No more, because you never pick anyone up to be attacked by them

And what IS with the conersations you have with a cab driver anyway? I fucking hate it so much, because every time I get in a cab I run through the same script over and over again. Why do I bother? Because I don't want to be "that arrogant fucker who thought he was to good to talk to the guy driving home". What the fuck do I care about their feelings, really? You've got my money you should be feeling good already, turn of the fucking radio and switch on your dispatcher cunt. If you had've done that already you might have known about the traffic on Cleveland street and made the intelligent decision to take the cross city tunnel so I could've been home half an hour ago.

And I feel constantly that when I do try and have a conversation with these guys their thinking that I'm forcing it; which nine times out of ten, I am, which in turn offends them more-so, and then me because they think that they are allowed to be offended by my actions. Haven't you heard "the customers always right?" or maybe this would help...

 "चुप हो और समझते हैं कि मैं तुमसे बेहतर हूँ और तुम क्या करोगे तुम क्या कर रहे हैं कहा"

The number one hate I have with taxi drivers is when they don't know where the fuck they are, or how to get to a simple destination.

DRIVER: How do you get there?
ME: I don't know mate, you're the fucking cab driver. Don't you know?
DRIVER: No, I do not.
ME: Got a GPS mate?
DRIVER: No, you tell me which way it is you would like me to go.
ME: You've got a fucking book of road maps surely, look it up, you'd know better than me, I'm in a cab because I DO NOT drive and/or I'm drunk, so can we get a fucking move on?
DRIVER: Alright I will look for you sir.
ME: Want to stop the metre while you waste some more of my time?
DRIVER: Very sorry, very sorry.
ME: I can't believe you don't know where Pyrmont is mate. WE ARE IN NEWTOWN! IT'S AROUND THE CORNER. Do you know where the National maritime museum is?
DRIVER: No
ME: Harbourside?
DRIVER: No
ME: Star City Casino
DRIVER: No
ME: The American Express Building
DRIVER: Oh no no no no no, they call me too much to have to go see them, haha (I call you you cunt, pay your fucking statement)
ME: I don't know, there is a good curry hut on Harris Street?
DRIVER: Oh I think I may know this place now, yes.

OK, so the Curry Hut is bullshit, but besides that I've been in this situation more times than I can count. Which brings me to 2 further infractions..

"Taxi drivers should know and use major routes. Furthermore, drivers are expected to know of major destinations within their zone. These include airports, major railway stations, major hotels and sporting and cultural facilities."

AND

"Drivers are required to meet English literacy comprehension standards which are set down in the approved Course in Taxi Driving."

I've had cab drivers ask me to type the street name into the fucking GPS (when they do have one) because they don't understand me. Seriously? Garden Street, you're having a hard time understanding GARDEN STREET!?



I know playing the racial card is a tad below the belt. I am cool with whatever you want to do or whoever you are, creed, colour, sex, age or persuasion...

...On your own time. Speak english not a vague bastardised version that is harder to decipher than Stephen Hawking if he was really excited about some string theory shit and was talking/typing so fast his computer generated voice was traded in for a mixture of Dizzee Rascal and Ozzy Osbourne. I mean, I got in a cab the other day where the passenger seat had beads on it. I can't believe that on Christmas day you can get a cab in an instant, but Rammadanh you to fight for a cab 40 days in a row.

What's worse is that, I have no licence and let's face it, would rarely be fit to be behind the wheel in Forza 3, let alone in reality, and that I still feel that I would be more confident in my limited road knowledge and non-existant driving skills half the time. I mean have a look at this from the Victorian Transport Department...

http://www.transport.vic.gov.au/DOI/Internet/vehicles.nsf/AllDocs/799E2D83EDA6307ACA2571D100830FF7?OpenDocument

This is just a list of the most common fines. Not a list of all possible fines, merely, the most common.
How many drivers do you see with their photo displayed areound the city? I had a cab driver TELL ME he is not the guy in the photo once but it is his cousin, but he is in Australia for a few weeks to look at Universities for next year, and that he was coming to study medicine. Whilst he was here though he needed to make some money, so his cousin let him drive his cab for a few nights to help him through.
Now with the dodging of all the livestock in the street in his home country I assumed he would be an alert and attentive driver. 2 red lights later we got pulled over, and the fucking dick doesn't turn the meter off and with an unlicened non accredited taxi driver you're going to be sitting there a while.

The cops aren't supposed to pull over a taxi driver with a passenger in it, but driving that poor, and without an "UNAVAILABLE" light, I can't really hold it against them can I? Print out that list for yourselves Victorians, put it in your wallet, handbag, backpack, whatever. So next time you can tell the fucking idiot how much this fare just cost him.

Why can't I get the fucking Cash Cab, or whatever the hell it's called? Instead, I get in a cab and get abused for only having a $50 note. What? It's $25 change mate? Actually, It's $31 now because you're being a cunt gave your tip to the homeless guy that's shaking so much he looks like a human dradle over there out the front of the post office. Honestly, be prepared fuckhead, and be happy I didn't try and pay you in 5 cent pieces because..

"Australian coins and currency (including Federal reserve notes and circulating notes of Federal reserve banks and national banks) are legal tender"



They only taxi drivers I've ever liked are Andy Kauffman and Travis Bickle.

And they wonder why they get stabbed on a regular basis...
It's because next time when someone wants to go to St. Vincents, they'll remember where it is.

11/12/10