Y'Know What I Hate?
Friday, September 6, 2013
Y'Know What I Hate? The Coalition
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Y'Know What I Hate? The Occupy Movement.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Y'Know What I Hate? The Internet
Two thousand years of progress and the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement online is a website with photos of Paris Hilton looking like she was beaten by a former boyfriend. I am not an intellectual by any stretch of the imagination, but what is stunning to me is the amount of garbage there is floating around on the Internet.
On any given day you are bombarded with ads for penis enlargement, hit with spyware, and receive messages from some person in Africa claiming to be a prince that wants to share his fortune with you. I recently saw an advertisement from a company telling me to click on the banner to remove advertisements on my computer. My response and yours should always the same to this bombardment of substandard waste. Run Lavasoft's Ad-Aware when finished surfing the net, try your best to shield your eyes from the ads, tell the guy from Liberia his check is in the mail, and if necessary ask the good people at the “Rhino Penis Company” how much they want.
The sites I go to, when I am done with that cavalcade of gallstone-inducing madness that is my email account, are the news sites. I get my news, maybe a few cheap laughs, and then I sign off. Not as exciting as, say, putting a stick of dynamite down my throat and trying to put out the fuse before it blows, but this kills time and keeps me sharp. I never know when someone is going to regurgitate what he or she saw on the news and misinterpret it to make a point in an argument. You should never believe everything you read, and you should not form an opinion on something without all the facts. Just because The Age makes things up does not mean you should either.
Every website out there looks exactly the same. Almost all of the sites that I have had a chance to check out were either a cheap knock off of a popular site, or the site amounted to another Norman Rockwell who took their PHP mastery or some such nonsense, gave it a sleek "look at me I'm a nerd" design, and piled on everything they thought they could that would get people to go to their site.
Now you have blogs popping up everywhere like a foot rash. I loathe blogs because most of the time it is some unqualified, blithering, teenager yapping endlessly about what they think about Julia Gillard or waxing philosophical on such intellectual matters as whether to scratch their behind with the left or right hand. And then of course you have the blogs that just focus on celebrities and offer snarky comments that a 3-year-old chimp named Ooka could top. And yes, I am all too aware that I sit comfortably in this category.
The media needs to stop their love affair with blogs and “citizen journalists.” There is too much danger in this flash journalism style that people will be harmed.
It seems to me we have been on a downward spiral in terms of what we expect for entertainment and the Internet reflects our low standards. So I say go to your usual sites, stay informed so you don’t turn into a blithering blogger, and for the love of everything holy run some kind of spyware protection when you are done.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Y'Know What I Hate? Pink Floyd
Monday, January 28, 2013
Y'Know What I Hate? Quentin Tarantino.
The only thing QT’s movies do for me is make me want to watch some real independent cinema.
Instead of Tarantino renouncing this as any true fan of underground culture would he embraced his new “Coolest Guy We Know” status with famous people.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Y'Know What I Hate? Michael Bay
So, I finally gave in and watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and much to my lack of surprise Michael Bay has stayed on course for his regular formula with another loud as fuck, spastically shot, CGI laden flick.
It was then that I fully realised that Michael Bay films are the physical embodiment of style over substance, cleavage over character and explosions over emotions.
Do Michael Bay films provoke thought with in an action format like Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy?
No.
Are the Transformers films a painfully long explosion wank fest with an incomprehensible plot?
No doubt.
Bay's films seem to follow a very similar plot. The characters blow shit up, they run from explosions, they look up at things and they look up at things exploding.
Alas, 120 minutes of shit exploding a movie does not make (but fuck me, he's tried).
So his characters tend to spend a lot of time negotiating, whether it's for a used car, access to classified military base or for the fate of the universe. And let's face it, negotiations are pretty much the verbal equivalent of an explosion.
Cinema goers these days are so easily entertained that directors like Jim Jarmusch, one of the most inventive film makers of all time still struggle to get together money to fund their films, and people like Michael Bay throw around millions to remake (aka ruin) my favourite horror movies (Friday the 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Nightmare On Elm Street) on an annual basis via his production company Platinum Dunes.
But, I'm not going to harp on that too long as I think I've covered that ground fairly extensively already.
Bay currently has an approval rating on IMDB Pro of 65%, whereas legendary and iconic filmmakers like Stephen Spielberg (ET, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Schindler's List), Orson Welles (Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, Touch of Evil), Stanley Kubrick (2001: A Space Odyssey, The Shining, A Clockwork Orange), Martin Scorcese ( Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Raging Bull) and Francis Ford Coppola ( The Godfather Part I and II, Apocalypse Now) only sit between 71-76%.
Now, IMDB is far from a faultless resource for all things culturally significant, but it does help form a picture of what the fuck is happening to the movie industry.
IMDB approval ratings are calculated between dollars made, critical reviews and people who like the movie enough to rate it on the site, which is from where the main issue with these percentages are born.
But it's safe to say the $1 billion box office grosser that is Transformers: Dark of the Moon makes a big part of that 65% when it only holds a 20% average on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes.
It's also safe to say that the $160,000 Citizen Kane (1941) lost from it's $830,000 budget in it's innitial run is a big part of Orson Welle's 76%.
Even though the film has an approval rating of 87% and is generally considered "the greatest film of all time" the writer, director and star of the film is a mere 11% ahead of the director of, ahem... Pearl Harbour.
How much press did you catch on Broken Flowers? A shit load less than the amount of Transformers Happy Meals you had. Because action movie tie-in's work for fat fucks because it tells them that it's okay to shovel that shit in your face 24/7 because Shia Lebouf does and he's saved the universe three times already, and no one wants to look like Bill Murray, so a brilliant movie goes nowhere when it comes to public awareness.
This disease plaguing Hollywood cinema by virtue of people like Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing, Deep Rising), Roland Emmerich (10,000 B.C., Godzilla) and of course, Michael Bay is now seemingly spreading to those who I thought I would always be able to turn to in times of need like Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez and Kevin Smith.
The Grindhouse Series (Planet Terror, Death Proof, Machete, Hellride) while amusing for what they were, are mindless, soulless and a lack the imagination and innovation that films like El Mariachi and Reservoir Dogs had in abundance, and Kevin Smith? Kevin Smith, who is one of my personal top 5 favourite film makers of all.time (Yeah, I said it. I hate everything and everyone hates Kevin Smith, so I should join in, right? NO! Wrong, I hate the ignorant as fuck Kevin Smith haters) produced a film that by all means should've worked. Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan in a throwback buddy-cop film that's soaked in dick jokes and the soundtrack selections to become the Beverley Hills Cop of it's generation.
Yet, it sucked! The editing was sloppy, the writing was stale and the pacing was slower than a Downe Syndrome suffering inbred redneck with a concussion.
All of these films feature intensely over the top action scenes, little to no character development and just enough of an A+ track record from the creators to make me want to see them. Similar to how Sean Connery lead me to witness my first Michael Bay abortion (The Rock) many moons ago.
The saddest thing is I can't really blame these dudes for their recent mediocrity (in Kevin Smith's defense I did dig Red State), I can't even blame Michael Bay for setting the bar so low for actual storytelling and originality. I guess the only people I have to blame for this is every single one of you. Cunts like you that pay to see Transformers at the cinema, buy Bad Boys 2 on Blu-Ray and DVD and download Armageddon on Netflix.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Y'Know What I Hate? Cab Drivers
The cab shortage is really showing |
Between the inane conversation I am forced to have with these individuals, and the fact that i'm treated as if i'm asking for his firstborn when I tell this cunt to hang up on his 10-way conference call with his cousin, who funnily enough is also named Mohammed, is also a cab driver, also at work but is in Mumbai, so he has to yell so they can hear each other over the traffic, the Bollywood music and the chickens.
And of course all this happens only if you can get one of the fuckers to stop for you! This friday just gone I spent the better part of 2 hours trying to get a cab out of the city. What the fuck!? Honestly! these fuckers are driving around with their "available" lights off when they have no passengers so that they can't get in shit for breach of the transport code which specifically states...
"Once hailed, a driver cannot refuse a fare that is too short or inconvenient. Drivers may indicate at the end of a shift that they will only accept fares to destinations which are on the way to the taxi-cab's home base. The driver will display a sign that indicates the relevant destination."
..but with their lights OFF, they can just pull over for the fares where there 2 dozen wasted blonde chicks who might be willing to eat their fare.
No more, because you never pick anyone up to be attacked by them |
And what IS with the conersations you have with a cab driver anyway? I fucking hate it so much, because every time I get in a cab I run through the same script over and over again. Why do I bother? Because I don't want to be "that arrogant fucker who thought he was to good to talk to the guy driving home". What the fuck do I care about their feelings, really? You've got my money you should be feeling good already, turn of the fucking radio and switch on your dispatcher cunt. If you had've done that already you might have known about the traffic on Cleveland street and made the intelligent decision to take the cross city tunnel so I could've been home half an hour ago.
And I feel constantly that when I do try and have a conversation with these guys their thinking that I'm forcing it; which nine times out of ten, I am, which in turn offends them more-so, and then me because they think that they are allowed to be offended by my actions. Haven't you heard "the customers always right?" or maybe this would help...
"चुप हो और समझते हैं कि मैं तुमसे बेहतर हूँ और तुम क्या करोगे तुम क्या कर रहे हैं कहा"
The number one hate I have with taxi drivers is when they don't know where the fuck they are, or how to get to a simple destination.
DRIVER: How do you get there?
ME: I don't know mate, you're the fucking cab driver. Don't you know?
DRIVER: No, I do not.
ME: Got a GPS mate?
DRIVER: No, you tell me which way it is you would like me to go.
ME: You've got a fucking book of road maps surely, look it up, you'd know better than me, I'm in a cab because I DO NOT drive and/or I'm drunk, so can we get a fucking move on?
DRIVER: Alright I will look for you sir.
ME: Want to stop the metre while you waste some more of my time?
DRIVER: Very sorry, very sorry.
ME: I can't believe you don't know where Pyrmont is mate. WE ARE IN NEWTOWN! IT'S AROUND THE CORNER. Do you know where the National maritime museum is?
DRIVER: No
ME: Harbourside?
DRIVER: No
ME: Star City Casino
DRIVER: No
ME: The American Express Building
DRIVER: Oh no no no no no, they call me too much to have to go see them, haha (I call you you cunt, pay your fucking statement)
ME: I don't know, there is a good curry hut on Harris Street?
DRIVER: Oh I think I may know this place now, yes.
OK, so the Curry Hut is bullshit, but besides that I've been in this situation more times than I can count. Which brings me to 2 further infractions..
"Taxi drivers should know and use major routes. Furthermore, drivers are expected to know of major destinations within their zone. These include airports, major railway stations, major hotels and sporting and cultural facilities."
AND
"Drivers are required to meet English literacy comprehension standards which are set down in the approved Course in Taxi Driving."
I've had cab drivers ask me to type the street name into the fucking GPS (when they do have one) because they don't understand me. Seriously? Garden Street, you're having a hard time understanding GARDEN STREET!?
I know playing the racial card is a tad below the belt. I am cool with whatever you want to do or whoever you are, creed, colour, sex, age or persuasion...
...On your own time. Speak english not a vague bastardised version that is harder to decipher than Stephen Hawking if he was really excited about some string theory shit and was talking/typing so fast his computer generated voice was traded in for a mixture of Dizzee Rascal and Ozzy Osbourne. I mean, I got in a cab the other day where the passenger seat had beads on it. I can't believe that on Christmas day you can get a cab in an instant, but Rammadanh you to fight for a cab 40 days in a row.
What's worse is that, I have no licence and let's face it, would rarely be fit to be behind the wheel in Forza 3, let alone in reality, and that I still feel that I would be more confident in my limited road knowledge and non-existant driving skills half the time. I mean have a look at this from the Victorian Transport Department...
http://www.transport.vic.gov.au/DOI/Internet/vehicles.nsf/AllDocs/799E2D83EDA6307ACA2571D100830FF7?OpenDocument
This is just a list of the most common fines. Not a list of all possible fines, merely, the most common.
How many drivers do you see with their photo displayed areound the city? I had a cab driver TELL ME he is not the guy in the photo once but it is his cousin, but he is in Australia for a few weeks to look at Universities for next year, and that he was coming to study medicine. Whilst he was here though he needed to make some money, so his cousin let him drive his cab for a few nights to help him through.
Now with the dodging of all the livestock in the street in his home country I assumed he would be an alert and attentive driver. 2 red lights later we got pulled over, and the fucking dick doesn't turn the meter off and with an unlicened non accredited taxi driver you're going to be sitting there a while.
The cops aren't supposed to pull over a taxi driver with a passenger in it, but driving that poor, and without an "UNAVAILABLE" light, I can't really hold it against them can I? Print out that list for yourselves Victorians, put it in your wallet, handbag, backpack, whatever. So next time you can tell the fucking idiot how much this fare just cost him.
Why can't I get the fucking Cash Cab, or whatever the hell it's called? Instead, I get in a cab and get abused for only having a $50 note. What? It's $25 change mate? Actually, It's $31 now because you're being a cunt gave your tip to the homeless guy that's shaking so much he looks like a human dradle over there out the front of the post office. Honestly, be prepared fuckhead, and be happy I didn't try and pay you in 5 cent pieces because..
"Australian coins and currency (including Federal reserve notes and circulating notes of Federal reserve banks and national banks) are legal tender"
They only taxi drivers I've ever liked are Andy Kauffman and Travis Bickle.
And they wonder why they get stabbed on a regular basis...
It's because next time when someone wants to go to St. Vincents, they'll remember where it is.
11/12/10